Wars (12.04.2010)

"Don't go!", she wanted to scream. She wanted to yell it, let the pain and fear leave her heart at the same time the words left her lips. But she couldn't. It wouldn't be fair to him, to either of them. She couldn't just pass him her fears and sorrow, she's not that selfish. She didn't want him to know how much she hated what he had to do, chose to do. She wasn't allowed to be against it, he wanted that and who is she, to be mad at that, to think it's wrong? She knew she couldn't blurt it out, and she didn't. But that was as far as her self control went. There was no way she could stop herself from thinking that, though.

"Stay with me!", she wanted to cry, but she didn't. She was restraining herself so much, she thought she was going to sprain her heart.

"Why do you have to go?", but the answer to that question was already known by her. They each have to fight their own battles, and by themselves. They can only support each other along the way.

"Why does it have to be like this?", but she wouldn't want it any other way. Because if that was the fairytale's reality check, then they both still drew the luck straw. If this was what ruined the perfection, then they still have some left in each other and the way they click : so good, so right, so perfect.

So many things she wanted him to know, but without her saying them. So much she wanted to say, but she couldn't give life to any. She wanted to cry, she thought something was wrong with her when she couldn't. Yet as they said their goodbyes, she broke down, cracked like a fragile, thin piece of glass. She chocked on the tears that came out with a cry, a cry full of pain, fear, desperation.

Goodbye ... and their wars began. Each on his own different path, but with an ending that will measure up to the fights, and ending fit for their wars, and ending in each other's arms. And knowing that gave them enough strenght to march in the battle, knowing how sweet what waits them on the other side is.

Come back safe, private ... she's waiting.

Untitled poem (Love)

06.01.2010

Winter. Snow. New beginnings.

Could this be a dream, or is it reality?

So many thoughts, such odd feelings.

What could it be? I'd happilly

Embrace it all. As long as you're by my side

My entire future is such a beautiful sight.

And yet, i can't help but wonder

What this new, ecstatic feeling could be.

I pace back and forth, i try and ponder,

Yet all i think about, all i say and see,

Is this wonderful boy, and wishing he'd be in front of me.

My every dream, every wish and desire,

Materialized from nowhere, in an instant.

Poor heart of mine, not pumping blood no more,

Instead, it's pumping fire.

Heart jumping, stoping, beating faster.

Mind racing, over thinking and confused.

I became a slave of my heart, instead of being its master.

And yet, no matter how i think about it, i'm amused.

The mind might be saying NO, but the heart YELLS "YES!

This boy, dear girl, is nothing but a bless!"

I never follow ration, what i do is for my heart's content.

...

It started with a "Hi", continued with a laughter.

Went on with a crush, kept going for a while,

Began falling for him, each day faster and harder.

Until i kept on, every day, for no reason, to smile.

Happy ending, or end in pure disaster?

Don't know; right now i just started to forget

The past. I want a brand new start,

A new life of which he's part.

One thing i know for sure,

One thing for which there is no cure:

He'll forever hold the other half,

The key to the real me,

The key to my heart.

<3

YOU

11.12.2009

This is odd and new. I never fell for someone the way i did for you, neither did i ever feel what i'm feeling for you. It scares me if i think about it. So i choose not to, and just enjoy it. I wish i could make you understand what i feel, lend you my heart for just one day, but not even i know for sure. I'm not that good with words.

Everyone knows something is going on. My friends know me well enough to tell i'm in love. Apparently i have a certain glow. I don't know how i look from the outside, but i know what i feel inside, and i haven't been this happy in a very long time. I forgot how to smile naturally, always puting up a fake smile, faking happiness and joy. I was getting used to it actually. It was normal for me to be sad and lonely, to be on my own. So many bad things happened, i forgot what good luck is. Then you came along and turned me upside down. I started hoping, being optimistic. You were a gift. God's way of apologising for what he put me through.

My friends are thankful to you for bringing back my old self. The always smiling, funny, loving, suporting me. You fixed me. You have no idea how much you did for me. "I Love You" is something

i rarely say. If i do, most of the times is meaningless. I might love my friends, yet i never tell them that. I love YOU, and i told you that. Coming from me, it's a big statement. And that's because i mean it.

You make me truly happy. I smile everytime i think of you, and i think of you all the time. You give me butterflies, make my heart do backflips, stop and speed up, all at the same time.

I don't, nor can i know for sure, if you feel the same. But i'm done overthinking every little thing. I'm happy, you make me happy. You are all i want and all i need. That's all i have to know.

If it's going to snow soon...then Santa is real. I asked him for you, and i have you now. Or should i say you have me? Yes, that's more accurate. I am yours now. You are the first and last thing on my mind, and the only one in between. You're my drung, i could never get enough of you. All i wish to ask from you is for you to keep feeding my addiction.

You changed something in me. Or better said, you brought back something i thought was forever gone. And i'm very thankful for that.

I should stop writing now, it's getting too long. And i know that if i read everything what i wrote, most of it won't even make sense. I know i failed at my attempt to express my feelings towards you. Yet i think it can all be summed up to this :

You're my knight in shining armour. All i want, all i need. You are my heart's addiction.

Catch me ! ...

03.12.2009

I fell for you. I fell without a safety net, and i thought i was going to hit the ground and hit it hard. You caught me just in time. How did you do that? Did u plan it? Did u feel me slipping away?

Either way, you timed it perfectly. I knew i wasn't wrong to trust you. You make me feel safe. You're my cup of hot chocolate and hugs, the product of my imagination. That's what i think. Otherwise

how could i have found everything i was looking for, in one person? I am ever so picky, yet all i wanted was to find two traits in someone and i would have been happy, would have settled. ... Then

you came along and turned my world upside down. You were the first to make me fall without me even realising it. Even if you hadn't catch me, i still would have not regret it.

I made you. You are mine, you belong to me. I am your creator. Everything about you is my wish, my desire, my hope. One, two, three... but ALL? To have EVERYthing i ever thought of? How?

Why? Or better yet, why now? ... I think i know why know. God thought i suffered enough, he decided to stop playing me like a toy, stop testing every hurtful thing on me, and finally send me some

good on my way. And oh, what a present you are. Yet i'm still careful. I'm afraid of losing you. What if he decides to take you back? What if he realises i don't deserve you?... Or worse, I wake up and

you're not there. Waking up to a world where you never were. I couldn't bear it. Wounds that haven't healed still bleed. Having you taken away from me for good, not being able to see you even

from distance....would split me in half.

Or maybe....just maybe, you're the angel i've been waiting for, for so long. Maybe you're meant to fix the broken me. To hold me and allow me to be weak, to trust again.

Catch me or let me fall....either way, i believe in everything, now that i've met you. My heart and mind's perfect creation.

What have you done to me and what will you do? I have no choice but to hand myself to you, blindly. I'm in your hands now. The power is all yours,.... to crush me, or to protect me. Whichever you

choose, i won't blame you. Crush me if you wish, but i would still feel the warm touch of your hands before you do so. That makes me a winner eitherway.

Frunza copacului

Primavara. Un copac renaste.

Langa el verdeata

Pe care un miel o paste.

Mai incolo zace o para malaiata.

Printre ramurile incretite, indoite,

Cu urme de zapada si colturi albite,

Se zareste un mugur de frunza.

Ma amuza.

Vara. Mugurul a devenit frunza.

A crescut. E mare.

Ma plimb. Caut o scuza

Sa o privesc, e o chemare

Catre necunoscutul familiar.

Toamna. Un gust amar

Imi incearca mintea.

Frunza, nehalita,

S-a intins mai mult ca suratele sale.

O floare se leapada de petale.

Galbena si trufasa, frunza se leaga dulce

In bata vantului. Copacul plange.

El stie ce va urma.

Eu refuz sa stiu continuarea.

Iarna. Copacul zgribulit isi plange copiii.

Indoit de durere, se pleaca la pamant

Si prin vantul rece se aude plansul mut.

Ramurile acoperite cu zapada par pale.

Dau albeata de-o parte. Sunt goale.

Pe jos, sub ramura incretita, indoit,

E frunza mea, albita.

Numai respira. Ciclul ei s-a terminat.

Cu sufletul crapat, ma abat

De la drumul spre casa mea.

Ma intreaba inima, nelinistita :

Oare anotimpul meu va fi tot iarna?

Oare voi fi la fel de linistita?

Lonely hope

She was staring blankly out the window. Her gaze focused now and then on the trees, the buildings, the raindrops on the window. But her gaze was changing.

Her eyes sparkled with happiness and joy, with sadness and sorrow, with maturity and childness. The only constant taste, that never left the dancing and changing sparkles

in her eyes, was hope. Sometimes dirty, muddy, corupted hope, at times pure and wishful, yet hope nevertheless.

She kept wondering what the next day will bring, what the future will be like. She tried hard to think of the present and hope for the future, yet her recent past left deep

scars that still bleeded. It was a rough road that still hadn't ended. She learned a lot of useful lessons that will help her during her lifetime, but at what cost? She learned them by herself,

experienced them in the hardest of times. Not pleasant feelings, those of loneliness, abandonment and fear. She had times when she thought the wounds had healed,

but when she crashed into another wall and felt another brick fall on her, she felt the wounds bleed again, harder and faster with every new blow. What could she do? Just wipe it away and hope it will stop.

As she was pressing her face against the cold hardness of the glass, she felt lonely and misunderstood. Two feelings that have been present constantly for the last year.

She's starting to learn how to deal with them, yet it still surprises her every now and then.

One lesson that she learned was that you can never count on anybody, no matter what and who, it will always end in painful dissapointment. Yet this knowledge seemed to make

her feel less depressed as time passed by. She's learning how to smile again. She's learning that as long as she still has herself, the game goes on, the road doesn't end.

As long as she still has herself, there is still hope.... sometimes dirty, muddy, corupted hope, at times pure and wishful, yet hope nevertheless.

Nebuna visare

Nebuna visare

De ce sa muncesti toata viata

Pentru un viitor banal,

Viitor c-un gust amar,

Doar pentru a obtinea pacea?!

De ce sa faci pe plac lumii,

Sa urmezi fiecare cerinta,

Sa asculti fiecare fiinta,

De ce sa consideri nebunii?!

"Daca viata iti da lamai

Tu fa limonada."

Dar daca eu vreau doar apa?!

Refuz sa urmez nebuni.

Eu insumi sunt nebuna,

Sperand neincetat, cu ardoare,

Sperand la multe. Se pare

Ca sper zi de zi la o viata mai buna.

Sperand zi de zi, tot mai mult,

La visarea transpunsa-n real

- Scapare de prezentul banal-

Glasul meu nu va sta linistit sau tacut.